A couple of years ago, I posted this heartfelt
note of thanks. Ironically, on this eve of a day for Thanks, I desperately long to be back at that place. The place where I'm sincerely grateful for what I've accomplished and what I can still accomplish, and for all of those who have helped me along the way. But lately, I've felt blah. Blase. I feel ungrateful, and then I defend that feeling by telling my self I can wallow in my own self pitty if I want to. In spite of the fact, that nothing really bad has happened. Although, lots of small things have happened that I wish hand't. And on an intellectual level I know I have so much to be thankful for, but I don't
feel like it. Yet I'm still truly thankful to everyone I mentioned in that letter and I have so many more people to be thankful for than I did two years ago.
Why am I writing this? Am I not afraid people will think I'm some kind of self-centered punk? Of course, I am, but I hope that by saying it out loud, I can get past it. Because as I'm writing this, I realize the problem is I don't have the kind of hope I had two years ago, and that makes it hard to be grateful.
There is one thing I am truly thankful for. My beautiful baby is healthy, and that is worth a lot. Don't get me wrong I'm thankful for my family, but I truly grateful that my daughter is healthy. I've seen so many posts about parents with sick kids, and about kids with cancer and my daughter is the best thing in my life. I can't imagine if having to watch her suffer or worrying I would lose my baby. Every time I see her smile I thank God my baby is healthy.
Hi Beth~ I've learned from experience that writing is very therapeutic, so I'm glad that you did write this and post it. I'm sorry that you're going through a "blah" time. I can relate to that, too. I'm usually a very upbeat person, who is full of hope, but every once in a while, I get down...for no particular reason, and that's what makes it so hard to accept or understand. And the Holidays don't make it easy, because we're all "supposed" to be happy and loving, etc.etc. And that's usually not real life! I wish you happiness, joy, and hope...and be good to yourself. Allow yourself to wallow for a few days and then maybe hopefully you'll be feel better. I truly hope so!
ReplyDeleteI too am feeling the blah of the season instead of the 'thrill' of thanksgiving. I too, know enough to count my blessings, but for some reason -- right now that's hard. I'm failing to take the positive route and faking my way through, at least today. I'm going to cook the meal and go through the motions and hope that somewhere along the way I take hold of that thin ribbon that will pull me over the clouds and into the sunshine, away from the darkness that seems to be sucking at my soul and pulling me into 'blahs-ville'. There are days I can...and there are days I just can't. November is a sad month for me and I get that -- it is what it is. Thanks for sharing your angst -- maybe together we can have our pity party and then pick ourselves up and move on to better days. Wishing you peace!
ReplyDeleteSometimes it's not even hope of a particular thing, but the general feeling that something is wrong, something missing in our lives.
ReplyDeleteIt helps sometimes to remember that beyond the clouds the sun is shining.
Sometimes I feel the pressure of holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas is counter productive to being contented! I just try to enjoy all the little day to day things as they come along. I need to learn not to go oveerboard at Christmas - I always end up feeling put upon by the rest of my family who don't really make an effort... And that is my problem not theirs.
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself and keep on blogging.
I'm sorry you are going through a rough time, but you're right to focus on what truly matters. As a mom, I know exactly how you feel. I am SO thankful my baby girl is healthy. My wish every day is that she lives a long, happy, healthy life. Nothing would make me happier.
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