I got the suggestion early in my manuscript that I needed to punchier dialogue for a conversation--"guy speak" was the term.
I need help putting this convo in the lingo:
Josh and Matt both laughed. “You're
on a roll man,” Matt said. “And that's sad cause Kailee...”
He
didn't finish the sentence, but he didn't have to. I knew what he was thinking.
Kailee's easy. Everyone had said it since the freshman year. But all of my
friends wanted to date her.
I
was glad I didn't defend Mirriam when Kailee called her a raghead. This girl
had only been here for five minutes, and she already knocked me down. “I can
still get any girl I want.” I leaned in, so Kailee couldn't hear me. “Kailee
and I will be at Kevin's party Friday night.”
“That
doesn't prove anything. Kailee wants to jump your bones, and everyone knows
it,” Josh said.
“And
you don't want her, and everyone knows that,” Matt added.
I
didn't answer.
“I
don't think you can get any girl you want anymore,” Josh said.
Matt
nods. “He's just another football player now.”
“How
do you want me to prove it?” I growled. I wasn't used to being humbled like
this, and it grated on my nerves.
“Get
Mirriam,” they say.
“Fine.
I'm not really into Muslims, but before the year ends, Mirriam and I will go on
a date.”
Josh
shook his head. “Take her to prom.”
Well,
that would only shave off two weeks I could still do it. “Or?”
“If
you don't, you owe me $1,000, and you have to drive around with one of those
stupid on your gear shift and a fuzzy pink cover on your steering wheel for the
rest of the year.”
“And
when Mirriam and I see you at prom, you owe me $1200 and you're driving around
the same.”
Josh
laughed hysterically and Matt echoed him. “It's a deal, but just curious, how
do I end up paying more?”
“You
don't have to put with Mirriam all night. Pain and suffering."
"But all of my friends wanted to date her."—That's probably WHY they want to date her.
ReplyDelete“That doesn't prove anything. Kailee wants to jump your bones, and everyone knows it,” Josh said— "That doesn't prove a thing. Kailee will sleep with anyone."
“And you don't want her, and everyone knows that,” Matt added.— You don't need "and everyone knows that".
“I don't think you can get any girl you want anymore,” Josh said.—"No way can you get any girl you want anymore."
“How do you want me to prove it?”—"Who can't I get?"
“Get Mirriam,”—Just say "Mirriam."
“If you don't, you owe me $1,000—Delete "If you don't,
“And when Mirriam and I see you at prom, you owe me $1200—"Fine. When I win, you owe me..."
Delete Pain and suffering from the last line.
I agree with all of Kelly's suggestions. My advice for guy speak is to keep it short. Guys aren't wordy like girls are. The closer you get to having your characters grunt at each other, the closer you are to realistic guy speak (I'm only half kidding.)
ReplyDeleteROFL at Jessie's comment, but it's so true. I've learned to cut out as much as possible in my guy dialogue.
ReplyDelete