Thursday, March 21, 2013

Haunted at 17

In honor of my friend Nova Ren Summa's book 17 & Gone which released today,  she has asked other authors to talk about what haunted them at 17. So here is my attempt.

Seventeen was a hard year for me for a lot of reasons, and it was marked by a significant beginning. I turned 17 on 9/11/01. Yep. I was grounded for having a car wreck two weeks earlier(stupid, because grounding me didn't help me drive) but my mother ungrounded me for my birthday. It didn't matter. The whole town shut down. My one friend and I found a solitary fast food burrito joint open, grabbed a burrito, and took it to a park. Just being out felt spooky. On a normal day, the place I grew up feels like a ghost town. On this day, there was literally no one around anywhere. I took it in stride though. It's just one day. My dad didn't call for my birthday, even though someone flew planes into buildings. My mom was happy to point out my dad didn't call on my birthday, in spite of the terrorist attack.

In Payton's Place, you pay for your sin and the sins of anyone you might know. School was so bad for me, I'd already put myself in home school. I worked days at a fast food restaurant to pay for it, and took my classes online at night. I contemplated graduating early and getting on with my life because things weren't much better at home. But I didn't really have money to move away, or a plan for when I did it. I knew I wanted to go to college. I had no idea how to pay for it. Then it happened. The decision maker. I don't even remember what the fight was over, but something set my step dad off. He hit me. If you know me, you know I have a temper like the devil. At the time, I was small. I was nearly 100 lbs. lighter back then, and I don't think I stood 5'2. But he hit me in the face, so I balled up my fist and I hit that six foot man in the chest--couldn't reach his face--as hard as I could. What happened next is a blur, but I remember being knocked into the back door, and my mom screaming not to touch her kid again or she'd leave. She wouldn't. He stormed out, and she blamed me. I shouldn't have said/did whatever I said or did. Looking back on it with the perspective of eleven years, whatever I said did not cause his reaction. He was soley responsible for that, and she should know that.

Anyhow, four months after my 17th birthday, I moved to the city and started college. But the year didn't get better. I involved myself with many guys--lots of them bad--that I shouldn't have. I screwed up relationships that could have potentially been good, and put everything I had into people who were toxic. I was so afraid of being alone--of being unlovable that I contributed to my own pain. So there it is. It took me all these words to find the truth. I really didn't know the one word answer to what haunted me, but I've found it. The fear of being unlovable. The fear that the adults in my life were right about my lack of worth.

14 comments:

  1. Wow, Beth. I knew you were a strong person, but now I understand why. You've overcome a lot to get to where you are today. I'm sorry you had to go through this, but I'm glad you came out a stronger person.

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    1. Thank you for these words, Kelly. People tell me I'm a strong person, but I've never really felt like one.

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  2. I can certainly see where you'd write from a place of pain. The feeling of being intrinsically unloveable, and putting up with crap from men because of it, is one that I and many of my friends share. Sadly, because most of us (women) are naturally more tolerant peacemakers, we continue putting up with crap to this day. It does get a little easier as you get older, but only if you learn to put yourself and your needs first. No one else will do it if you don't.
    Have strength, Beth.

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    1. Well, I don't put up with crap anymore. But my husband is really great, so it's not an issue. I did a lot of stupid things when I was younger, and I have regrets from those years, but I can see where they stem from. I'm glad I'm not the same person anymore, but I'm even happier I see this. Because I have a daughter now, and she will know she doesn't have to be or do anything she doesn't want to be or do to be loved. And I'll make sure she's secure enough that she doesn't have to look for strength in other people.

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  3. *HUGS* for being a survivor, Beth. You're a strong woman and it's a privilege to know you.

    P.S. Thanks for sharing your 9/11 story as well. *DOUBLE HUGS*

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    1. Thanks, Faith! I forgot you were collecting 9/11 stories. I could have tagged you too.

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  4. Wow, what a sad story. I'm so sorry that you had to live that, but hopefully you are able to use it in your writing! And you're obviously already using it to be a wonderful mother to ELF.

    I can't remember being haunted by anything at 17. I always say it was the best year of my life. (I was a bit awkward and way too poor to be cool before then, but as I started shining in academics and got away from band, things got better.)

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    1. I've actually quit using it in my writing, but sometimes it pops up w/o my meaning too. I used to overtly write about it, but it was too much.

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  5. It's often hard being 17 and it seems you had a rough time of it. Sorry, but glad that's in the past.

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  6. You're an incredible woman. You were obviously strong of mind at 17 but you used that strength to go even further to become the woman you are today. :)

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  7. Hearing stories like yours sure makes me appreciate my family. I'm glad you've overcomed your earlier life, Beth. Sunny skies ahead.

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  8. It's amazing what we can overcome! I'm glad that you can pass along lessons of strength to the women in your life.

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  9. Big hugs. You've gone through a lot, but look where you are now! thanks for sharing.

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  10. Beth,

    I just read this again and am floored by the beauty and honesty here—thank you so much for sharing this and for being a part of the Haunted at 17 series to help me celebrate the book release. I am truly honored.

    And of course—if you'd like some 17 & GONE swag in thanks, just email me.

    Thank you again. This is beautiful.

    Nova

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