Luke may be charming but Tiffany is leaving in two days and doesn't need any complications. Then the cops show up to raid Kammy's party. When Kammy is arrested Tiffany agrees to have dinner with Luke, so he'll help her get her sister out of jail. Her sister's arrest forces her to spend an extra day in Cancun meaning she'll miss a crucial meeting and she is already drowning in tax season. Not to mention, every second she spends with Luke makes it harder to leave.
Will the airport be their final goodbye?
Hi guys! Could you help me with my query.
Dear Editor,
Hardworking, twenty-four year old Tiffany escapes to the hotel bar when her sister's bachelorette party gets too wild. And the local man beside her, Luke, is paying too much attention to her.
Luke may be charming eye candy, but Tiffany is leaving in two days. Then the cops show up to raid her little sister's party, and she has to admit she needs a translator. Her little sister's arrest makes things even more complicated. Tiffany agrees to have dinner with Luke so he'll help her get her sister out of jail. With the arraignment pending, two days turns into three. Tiffany must miss a crucial business meeting, and she was already pushing the April 15th deadline that is every accountant's nightmare just by being in Cancun. Not to mention, every seconds she spends with Luke is making it harder to leave.
But Luke is there every step of the way. Except Luke doesn't like people to know about his family's money, so he hasn't been completely honest with Tiffany.
Even if she get over being lied to again, it doesn't change the fact that Tiffany has to go back to the U.S. Will the airport be their final goodbye?
“Fate” is a sweet romantic short story complete at 13,000 words. Per your submission guidelines, I have attached a synopsis and sample pages.
Thank you,
Beth
Beth, I reworked it for you and put some thoughts below it.
ReplyDeleteWhen twenty-four-year-old Tiffany escapes her sister's too wild Cancun bachelorette party, she winds up in a bar with the attention of a gorgeous local named Luke.
Luke may be charming, but Tiffany is leaving in two days. She thinks things are getting complicated, but when the cops show up to raid her little sister's party, she has to admit she needs a translator. And when Tiffany's sister gets arrested, Tiffany agrees to have dinner with Luke so he'll help her get her sister out of jail. With the arraignment pending, two days turns into three. Tiffany must miss a crucial business meeting, and she was already pushing the April 15th deadline that is every accountant's nightmare just by being in Cancun. Not to mention, every seconds she spends with Luke is making it harder to leave.
Luke is there every step of the way. Except he doesn't like people to know about his family's money, so he's hiding it from Tiffany.
Even if she can get over being lied to again, it doesn't change the fact that Tiffany has to go back to the U.S. Will the airport be their final goodbye?
A couple things. I'd name the sister. Saying little sister over and over is confusing. Also, is her meeting in Cancun? I was confused by the meeting she missed since she's clearly away on vacation. Finally, when was Tiffany lied to the first time? You say if she can get over being lied to again, and that's unclear.
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DeleteYes, I agree in large part with Kelly.
ReplyDeleteI think you need to state up front she's in Cancun, because when I read the bit about needing a translator I had no idea why. I also think you could shorten it. I tell my students to make the synop pat only one paragraph. Yours is spread out to four patagraphs. One way to dial it back is to try to write an elevator pitch in two or three sentences MAX. That way, you are forced to boil the message down to its very core. And then, you could add in two or three more sentences, and voila!
Your story elements are intriguing for sure, you just need to trim.
Also, the first paragraph should include WHY you picked this particular editor.
Good luck with it, Catherine
like Catherine said, including why you picked an editor is important - IMO this can be the first or last paragraph. Personally, I like a hook in the beginning and have this info last.
ReplyDeleteI also agree that we need to know right up front that they're in Cancun.
Some more suggestions for shortening...
As an accountant, 24 year old Tiffany barely has time to breathe during tax season, let alone take a two-day vacation to Cancun for her little sister's bachelor party. When the party ends up getting out of hand, and her sister is arrested, Tiffany has to turn to a local she met in the bar for help with translation.
Turns out, that local - Luke - might just like helping. And Tiffany might like the time they spend together more than she should. But with tax season calling, Tiffany has to choose between following her heart or letting the airport be the stage for their final goodbye.
Even 2 paragraphs might be a bit much, and this isn't phrased the best, but it gets more to the meat of your love story IMO w/o all the setup w/ the sister.
Thanks for all the suggestions.
ReplyDeleteI'd agree with the other commenters about the original query--but the revised seems a lot tighter, just to me. I don't really know a ton about query letters.
ReplyDelete