Friday, February 15, 2013

Drowning

Despite the title, I'm currently swimming, though against the current. I'm going to talk about something today that I rarely do, at least in such a public forum. Anxiety. More specifically my anxiety. I know if you've followed this blog since 2010, I've alluded to it more than once, and I've even alluded to the life I had when I was younger--most likely the biggest contributor to the anxiety, but even in life I'm rarely honest about it.

I rarely say that thoughts--BAD thoughts--spin around in my head, circling like sharks waiting for a weak moment to take over my body. Waiting for the time, when the girl inside gives in and lets the thoughts control her next action or inaction. That moment of weakness rarely comes, but strength comes at a cost. Looking normal on the outside means constant tug-of-war on the inside. It means overanalyzing the minutest of details repeatedly until the voice of reason in my head has either talked down the enemy, or given in. The giving in happens a lot. It's not an action or an inaction, merely a state of mind. Something someone else would barely notice, although I think my husband has learned to notice. The giving in is just the notion that whatever (usually minor thing) has me so worked up is now inevitable. There isn't anything I can do about it except sit back and wait. Watch it explode. The anxiety starts with things other people probably wouldn't even think twice about, and once it's rooted, it grows. Small things, things that if you did pay attention to you would laugh off, become huge. The war is waged. The overly rational corner of my brain knows the fear is irrational and if anything does come of it, it will be something really minor. But fear knows no reason. The only thing I really have going for me is that I do know the fear is irrational. I've met other people who aren't able to get that far, who don't know when the fear is irrational. And who aren't able to function because of it. Fortunately, that's not me. Unfortunately, I'm not sure this is any easier.

The reason I'm able to tell you this today is because a few years ago, I went through a year and a half of counseling. The anxiety has gotten better in some senses since then. For example, I've learned triggers (often people) and tend to avoid them. And I know when I'm having a bad day. Not a bad day in the sense that I woke up and everything that could go wrong went wrong, but a day when the anxiety is not only in my head but I can feel it bubbling in my chest. It's the same feeling you get watching a horror movie, or right at the climax of a book. But on a bad day with the anxiety nothing has to happen to trigger that feeling. Today is a bad day. I've struggled with all day long and don't really even know why. But I knew it was a struggle, so I admitted it. I tried to live life anyway, and when it didn't get better I wrote this. My first public admission. Because sometimes talking through it helps. And because I've learned how to deal with it. And because I no longer have to care what people think. I've always been ashamed to admit this, but I realize being able to cope with this every day is hard. It's okay to say so.

13 comments:

  1. Take a bunch of deep breaths and know that this too will pass. I had a very lazy day, which I really hate, but I won't get down on my self for it.

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  2. It's good, I think, that you recognize your anxiety and are able to cope with it. Also, talking about it should help. Like Catherine said, it will pass, and my favorite character always said "Tomorrow is another day." Bless you, Beth.

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  3. I so know what you mean - that paralysis in your chest when anxiety seeps in and clutches hold.

    For me I think one of the things that helps the most (if I can force myself to do it) is to think about it as if it were only a physical thing that will eventually go away. Also I love costume changes and/or accomplishing small tasks like getting on the elliptical for 30 min or washing the dishes between chapter re-writes. It's small, but somehow, some days it makes a world of difference =)

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  4. I get anxious over little things, too. I tend to overthink things so much that even if I originally looked forward to something, I end up feeling tired and sick of it before it's even started.

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  5. Being able (not just willing--able) to acknowledge it is also a huge step.

    Lauren

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  6. Beth, Kudos to you for sharing such a personal part of yourself. Lots of courage today. :)

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  7. Thank you all so much for your support and kind words. I appreciate each of you.

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  8. Beth, I applaud your admission. A lot of people struggle with anxiety, so you're not alone. And it take a lot to share something like this. I'd say that makes you a pretty strong person. :)

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  9. It's wonderful you sought help. The desire to change is a gigantic step in the right direction. I had problems dealing with stress in my thirties and it took me years to realize that freaking out and trying to control everything didn't work in the long run. I might win a point, but ultimately down the line, the match would be lost -- because I couldn't control the world. And what happened when I lost? Not much. No one died. My life went on even if things were a bit different. Often different turned out to be better or at least a more honest reflection of who I was and what was good for me. My life hasn't been as successful as I wanted. Yet at the end, I've gotten exactly what I wanted and needed most -- freedom, peace and security.
    Good luck! :-)

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  10. You're not alone. I was diagnosed with Anxiety disorder. I'd like to think I have a handle on it now, but it's something I ALWAYS watch for, so I can have a hope of staying in control.

    I hope you feel better soon!

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  11. I found by accident that B-vitamins help. I took a 50 mg B-Complex vitamin to help with something else, and it made me feel calm and 'normal - I should take one NOW. :)

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  12. I'll echo Sarah's sentiment. It takes a lot of strength to share those personal troubles. Good for you for continuing to push even during the hard days. Like you said in the first line, you're still swimming. It might be hard today, but tomorrow the waters might be much calmer.

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  13. Beth, I firmly believe that it is the struggles in life that makes each of us the unique person we become. I wonder whether instead of swimming against the tide you should just lay on your back and float along for a wee while! Good luck.

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