Wednesday, November 28, 2018

Dear Mom #5


Since I didn't get out of bed a few days last week, my wellness coach wants me to journal ten minutes a day. I think she's hoping this will 1) inspire me to stay awake (it's not working I'm exhausted and my head is killing me.) and 2) make me quit eating non-stop. Yeah, so far that hasn't happened either.
Food is the only thing good in the world. What's her problem anyway?
We decided journaling would help me on Friday. This is Wednesday and it's the first time I'm doing it. #Whatever.
I wish I could talk to you about my real problems, but I can't. Because this is the internet and people would see it and that would only cause more problems.
I applied for a job planning birthday parties for foster kids. I'm going to get it, because it's perfect for me. It's 9:30-2:30 with two days of working from home. I will still drop ELF off at school everyday and pick her up on Mondays and Fridays. Tues-Thurs she will ride home with a friend. The friend's mom will transport both kids to her daughter's Tai-Kwan-Do class, and I will pick ELF up from Tai-Kwan-Do and take her to dance. *Shrugs* It works. I'm not paying for child care, she's never in day care, and both girls are excited about it.
I love planning parties and buying gifts, and this seems like a fun way to spend the day and be off after school is out. I need this right now.
I wish you were here and I could talk to you.
Everyone keeps telling me you're in a better place, but I'm not even sure I believe in heaven anymore. Or maybe I do, I still pray. Who knows?

Thursday, November 22, 2018

Dear Mom # 4

Hi Mom,

It's been a long day. I blame you for at least part of this. Everyone is upset because you're not here, and grandma basically refused to leave her house today.
I slept half the day and ate the half the day.
I had a long talk with Step Psycho this morning. He's not that psycho. The moniker doesn't really fit anymore.
Turns out SG is just a trouble making internet troll and I think everyone is going to be okay. I think.
Step psycho feels it's time for him to move on. It's really soon, but he also doesn't really want to move on. He just doesn't want to be sad anymore.
But if we're being honest, that's why SG evoked such strong emotions from everyone. Half of us were ready to move on, and the other half were still waiting for you to come back. Stripper Girl was a clear indication that isn't happening.
I'm not ready to move on.
Every day this week has been hell in a way I didn't anticipate since I haven't gone home for Thanksgiving in so long.
But he's right.
I started looking for travel packages to Ireland. I'm taking your hair. I'm torn between burying it somewhere in Dublin and finding a drunk college boy at a bar to wear it, so you can have a guy young enough to be your son too. I'll figure it out, and Sheila may come. I'm not sure because my family will come and I know you and Sheila usually traveled alone. I kind of wish I could go alone with her, and maybe Tasha but I can't see Emil letting me leave the country without him.
When I started this letter, I expected to apologize for not coming home for Thanksgiving. I'm not sorry. My life is here, and so are my commitments. Coming for a weekend between Christmas and Thanksgiving was the best option.
I am sorry I didn't manage things and my own emotions well enough for the whole family to be together on those weekends though. And I'm sorry you're not here.